I've been thinking a lot about an email about this work from a friend who lives on the other side of the world. I don't really want to respond to emails here on this site because I want the whole process to be open. I guess I would respond to comments, if it was appropriate.
But I am including it here because it has accelerated some of my thinking.
She has commented on my diary entry of the 10th August, when I talk about my feelings for Germans.
I have been made aware that this entry is different from other entries on the site. Where I do voice my own racist (or dodgy) thoughts about other groups I am usually self-consciousness. But with Germans, I realise, I almost relish my racism or at least diminish it - a very different treatment of this subject. On some level, I think I'm even celebrating my prejudice.
Now I'm torn. Rationally, I know I should be addressing my anti-German prejudices on the same level as my, let's say, a fear of Japanese people or black men or whatever but emotionally, I actually cherish my hatred of Germans. Actually I guess I enjoy hating them.
I understand this is sadism.
The problem here is not so much that I mind being sadistic from time to time (of course I enjoy it, by definition) or that I believe I should be emotionally consistent. I know I'm not. But the problem is that if I ask other people to forgive me my crimes and the crimes of my forebears I am in a seriously weak position. I can't - or should I say won't - do that myself. I haven't forgiven, so why do I ask others to?
Right now, I'm not going to pretend that I have gotten over the history of my people as victims or the events of my family's history. I just realise I have some sorting out to do, that's all.