I have just realised why I something I was teaching the other day just didn't work. The session was about the stereotypicial representations of non-white artists at a major national institution.
I realised that the reason the workshop really didn't go very well wasn't anything to do with the structure. Yes most of the exhibition's videos weren't working and we didn't have access to the rooms I orignally wanted but I have finally realisd it wasn't any of those things. It was because I hadn't got my head around some of the work I was dealing with and the reason I hadn't used my usual rigour in critiquing it was because it was by an artist I know and admire. I wasn't looking or thinking hard enough because she's a famous black artist so I didn't allow myself the intellectual freedom to really investigate what was going on.
And this is a kind of racism. I wasn't judging her work as artwork but as the product of a black woman artist - and the fact that there are virtually no non-white artists on display, I was judging it by different criteria. I wasn't being honest to myself so I wasn't able to teach it well in the spirit of honest enquiry and critical judgement. Guilt, my own guilt, was getting in the way. I have only just this morning been able to be honest with myself that I don't acutally like the work or the display as a whole. I don't think it works or does justice to the issues
but I simply refused to acknowledge it because of who the artist is and the importance of this kind of opportunity. So I was carrying guilt.